What to do, bring, and say in Atlantis
by atlantian
Summary: Title says it all..just for fun and silly humor. R


**_This is something I've been wanting to put down for a while now, forgive the silliness but some of the angst of my other story Stasis was getting to me...and some things are just begging to be written. Stupid inspiration kept beating me on the back of my head to write it down...hmph. _**

**_Oh yes, and I don't own Stargate Atlantis either._** **_Darn._**

It was another one of those rare, boring, uneventful days in Atlantis. Not a single person trying to take over, destroy, or disturb the city or any of it's residents. So, every one 'important' was gathered in Weir's office, discussing the various annoying people which arrived and left on the Daedalus almost monthly. These 'important' people consisted of AT-1 (of course), Dr. Weir, Dr. Beckett, and Zelenka. After a bit of discussion, they decided to put down a list for all those ignorant/arrogant unfortunate ones who came to Atlantis without forewarning of the REAL essentials and knowledge needed...

And so, Rodney popped open his laptop, and everyone gathered 'round.

**1. Do NOT think you know it all. You don't.**

**A. Not only do we find arrogant newbies very annoying, but some of we 'original expedition members' have been known to take drastic measures. Seriously.**

**B. We don't put everything in the reports.**

**2. Bring lots of guns.**

**A. They're weirdly useful**

**B. if you don't, death is your most likely future here.**

**C. Oh yeah, and don't forget to learn how to shoot it first.**

**3. Cut it with the startrek jokes. Not kidding.**

**A. 'Captain kirk' does not appreciate it. Or the rest of Atlantis, for that matter.**

**B. The first time is funny. The third, is okay. The tenth is worth telling you to shut up. The 30001th time is worthy of shooting you over.**

**4. Leave the hero stuff to senior members.**

**A. We're better at it.**

**B. You will die, we won't. Don't ask us why.**

They stopped mid-type. Come to think of it...

**5. AT-1 has a death wish. But the Pegasus Galaxy likes AT-1.**

**A. This has been scientifically proven. **

**B. It's either that or the Pegasus Galaxy is after them, but they like living.**

**6. Bring at least one pair extra of everything.**

**A. Especially if you are going to be going off-world. **

**B. Natives will steal your cool-looking clothes a lot. And items that look interesting. Including your P-90. And so comes the next tip...**

**7. Protect whatever guns you have with a passion.**

**A. You will come to love them. They are really good for shooting things with.**

**B. They are multi-purpose. Don't worry if you don't get this at first. Just a little threat of terrible and imminent death and you'll click right on: guns have a lot of useful aspects.**

**8. Bring something to amuse yourself with.**

**A. Don't trick yourself into thinking that because it's another galaxy and has lot's of undiscovered trinkets and gadgets that you'll have plenty of things to occupy your time.**

**B. Sheppard's not sharing his football tape.**

**9. Learn military hand signals. It's worth it.**

**A. If you don't, you will end up resorting to an extremely pathetic version of charades.**

**10. Yes. The fancy, Ancient DHD is cool. No, you cannot dial the Gate.**

**A. Stop asking. It's increasingly reminding us of little children begging to drive their rich dad's Hotrod.**

**11. When off-world, don't go anywhere alone.**

**A. We experienced members can, you can't. Don't complain. See rule 5.**

**B. It's just stupid, especially considering past happenings. Don't do it.**

**12. For future reference: the medical staff team are not out to get you.**

**A. You just get hurt a lot.**

**B. They don't enjoy listening to YOU whine and complain all day while they save your collective behinds. Believe us, they are trying to let you go as soon as possible.**

**13. The science department, on the other hand...**

**A. Word of the wise: If you have some special gene or something, and you see them eyeing you like you're a zpm, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!**

**B. Be forewarned, Resistance is Futile. They WILL capture you at some point or another. Except it with as much dignity as you can muster.**

Rodney and Radek glared at sheppard, who had taken over typing for this rule. Dr. Weir calmlypointed out that it was a perfectly true statement.

**14. Bring one of those handy little pocket language books.**

**A. You'll want to know if they are insulting you.**

**B. Even so, you still probably won't understand half of what they're saying unless you have a list of all the cuss words.**

**C. And every now and then you will actually need to understand what is being said. All in all, it's just a handy little thing to have around.**

**15. If you are military, don't shove the scientists into lockers or anything else of that sort.**

**A. This is not said out of concern for the scientists. It's you we're worried about. They WILL have revenge. And you won't like it. **

Rodney and Radek smirked, and sheppard flinched and looked for somewhere to hide.

**16. Civilian women are PERFECTLY capable of being in charge of Atlantis.**

**A. We dare you to challenge this. **

**17. Keep wraith enzyme as far away as possible.**

**A. The Atlantis people have had a bad run with it. 'Tis bloody EVIL...**

**B. It makes you act really weird. But you get to look like super-man at the same time! Wait, no, IT'S STILL BAD!**

**?. Bring your own coffee to hide for yourself, just incase (god forbid) Atlantis...atlantis...runs out of...of..**

Rodney (they had been taking turns) just couldn't bring himself to type it. Who knew you could stammer in a written sentence? Zelenka burst into tears. Sheppard squeezed his eyes shut at the very thought. Dr. Weir rolled her eyes and was about to assist the coffee-addicts in typing it down when the sudden and familiar 'off-world activation' sequence came up. Abandoning their occupation, they dashed for the Gate/control room, leaving the laptop sitting open on Dr. Weir's desk...

**_Yes, there should be more! Or should there? Review, REVIEW! And for future reference, NO, this is not a copying of 'The Atlantis Handbook' by cammy, or 'The hitchhiker's guide to the Pegasus Galaxy', by saenait (though those are good ones! You should read them!) it was made completely of my own accord, so please don't sue. When daydreaming, it just came to me that all the newbies and side characters tend to either die or get whumped a lot. _**


End file.
